I'll Tell You How Cold It Was!
Paul McLaughlin
Four retired trappers were settin' 'n' rockin',
gnawin' on pemican and chewin' the fat
in a nursing home in Yellowknife, en, double-u, tee.

An attendant sat down with them and remarked,
Sure is cold out there, boys.

The first one sniffed indignantly, 'T'ain't cold. Why,
I saw it so cold one time that I spit and the spit
froze and crackled when it hit the ground!

The next one thought a moment, then said slowly, Well,
one time out on the trap line it was so cold, when I threw
a bucket o' hot water up in the air, it froze
'afore it hit the ground!

Rising to the challenge, the third one said, That's nothin'!
The coldest I ever seen, I went out to piss and it just
stuck into the snow like a bunch of yellow icicles.
Prettiest damn thing you ever saw.

Everyone waited for the last one to speak.
He sucked on his pipe thoughtfully, then finally
broke the silence. Well, boys, all those days would be
positively tropical compared to the coldest day I ever saw.
I was out on the trap line by Moose Lake and nature called.
I whipped 'er out and let loose. Mistake. It was so frigid
the cold traveled right up the stream and froze my dick
solid as a rock.

Well, I guess I must'a jumped or something, 'cause the damn thing
broke right off. I had to act fast--the dogs was growlin' hungry
and I guess they thought it was a frozen musk-ox sausage or something---
so I fought 'em off and high-tailed it over to the medical station
in the Indian village on the north side of the lake.

He took a long, slow drag on his pipe.

Well, the cute little nurse that was workin' there
was pretty lonely, I guess. When I asked her
what she could do with it. she said she had to take it
into the back room to warm it up. Well, sir, she came out
in about twenty minutes with the sweetest little smile on her face
you ever did see. After she glued it back on with Crazy Glue,
I asked her how much I owed her, and she said
she should pay me and to make sure I came back to see her
if'n I was ever back that way.

Everyone rocked in silence for a moment, then the first one said,
Man, I ain't never seen it that cold!